The Goddess Weighs In

Living Large and Healthy

Ya But I’m Super Hurt

on September 26, 2012

So it’s no secret that my boyfriend and I broke up about 6 weeks ago.  It was a slow, lingering breakup over many months and it was for the best, I know that, but that doesn’t mean I’m not devastated.  The man I love doesn’t love me and as much as I want to kick him in the shin until he sees the light and realizes that there is no one for him, but me, I know that’s not going to work.  Everyone gets dumped, and as I’m learning, everybody hurts and most will survive.  But I’m a fat girl.

I can do all the daily affirmations, I can hang out with people who think I’m smart and funny and sexy and yet I still feel like this rejection is supersized.  I refer to myself as a late bloomer. I was told for many years that no one would like me the way I am and so I didn’t even put myself out there.  When I started looking around I realized that there is a subset of the male population who can’t get enough of a girl like me.  I went through a Renaissance. I was suddenly the cute girl, the funny girl, the girl who gets noticed and the girl who ahem gets some.  And it was fun, and I had a great time, and I felt like I could be sexy and pretty and desirable.   I dated a number of guys, some nice, some not so nice, but it was a learning experience and overall I had a good time.  And then I met someone who was everything I wanted and he seemed to like me and for a while it was fantastic, and then it was good and then it was pretty crappy, but I hung on, because if things ended I wouldn’t just be the girl who got dumped.  I’d be the fat girl who got dumped.

I’d be the ridiculous fat girl who was so deluded and foolish that she actually believed that someone could love her. Once again I became that insecure, unlovable, unattractive, stupid, ugly, pathetic, fat girl.  I can tell everyone else regardless of their size that there is a lid for every pot, but right now I’m having trouble believing it about myself.  There are countless inches of advice columns, innumerable web articles about healing a broken heart and a plethora of pop songs crying over the one who walked away.  All of these people are licking their wounds and wanting to be remembered well, and thinking about somebody they used to know and these people are, for the most part, thin and attractive and have the world by the tail and still someone they love can’t or won’t love them.  It happens, it’s a fact of life, people are fickle, people fall out of love all the time.   But I’m a fat girl.

I don’t mean to belittle any one else’s hurts and logically I know that a lot of the things that I’m feeling right now are felt in turn by anyone who gets their heart trampled on, but being the fat girl means that I have an additional layer of hurt and insecurity fostered by years of being told and believing that I am “less than”. I’ll be ok, I know that. I’m resilient.  But I’m thinking that it’s time to talk to someone cuz the next time this happens, and more than likely there will be a next time, I’d like to start from the same crappy place as everyone else and not have to deal with that extra hurt that comes from being the fat girl.

– the Goddess

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