The Goddess Weighs In

Living Large and Healthy

Goddess And Child

on October 3, 2013

When I first met my ex I was immediately smitten, but I was also very clear.  I wanted commitment and babies and a minivan and if he wasn’t interested in that then he should go now before feelings were hurt.  He told me that everything was possible.  A year later driving back from our first vacation together he told me that he and his last serious love had split because he didn’t want kids.  I felt sick as he said those words, but then I had been feeling sick on and off for a few days and by the time we got home I was dealing with waves of nausea.  After a week or so of feeling like crap I took a test and it was negative.  I went to the doctor later that day and after describing my symptoms her first thought was pregnancy as well.  I said I had taken a test and she asked me about my cycle.  I said it was irregular and she gave me an impish grin.  Apparently home pregnancy tests are not that accurate when one’s cycle is wonky.

I will save you the suspense, I wasn’t pregnant, but in the few days between the test and the confirmation I realized just how much I wanted it to be positive and since I’m older and have an irregular cycle a happy accident would have been a blessing, but alas it was likely stress or a mild tummy bug.

Our relationship had it’s ups and downs, a hiatus and now we’ve been cancelled, but whatever future we might have had together it was clear that it would not involve children.  I was happy to be with him, but there was a certain amount of melancholy thinking that I would miss out on being a mother.  I debated ending the relationship for that very reason, but  given my overall health, my age and the likelihood that I might not be able to get pregnant without serious intervention I decided that perhaps it was better to have the man I love instead of the possibility of a child, plus I really didn’t want to go it alone.  They say that through our children we become immortal and so I gave up immortality to be with the man I loved, only things didn’t work out as I thought they would and here I am closer to 41 than 40 and the door I thought I’d closed stands ajar.

I live a decent life. There could be more travel, more romance and more time to putter, but I have good friends, I have a job, I’ve accepted that I will never be a rock star, and I think I’ve finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up, so things could be much worse.  Now I just have to figure out if that’s enough.  I do know that I am not interested in having a child by an anonymous donor.  Everyone may have their opinion on this issue, but I had a strong relationship with my father and I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without his guidance and love.  Adopting a child who has no parents and giving them a stable home with one parent has value added, but I can’t imagine telling a child that I wanted to be a mother so badly that I knowingly robbed them of ever having a relationship with their father, let alone a full family and medical history.  I know people do it all the time, but it’s just not something I feel I could do in good conscience.  I’ve dated a couple of men who were open to fathering a child for me, but it was pretty clear that they weren’t interested in sticking around or being any kind of parent.  While that’s slightly better in that at least my child could contact them and ask questions, it’s still not the same as having a dad who loves you and wants the best for you.  Plus if they made me that offer, then it’s likely they’ve made the same offer to other gals and I really don’t want my kid on a chat show in twenty years talking about how they accidentally dated their sibling or some such horror.  Having a child with a platonic friend who wants some level of involvement would be something I would consider, but so far no one has made me any offers.

My maternal grandmother was 42 when she had my mom.  It was her first pregnancy and she was a Rubenesque gal, so I do hold out some hope that I can have a child of my own though I do worry that at this point what eggs I have left might be hard boiled.  If I can’t have a biological child then I am open to adopting and given what I have heard about waiting lists it’s something I should be looking at now.  Initially I was hesitant about adoption, as I thought it was important to have a child who was related to me, a child who might look a bit like my dad or have my eyes, but I realize now that being a parent is so much more than creating a person who looks a bit like you.  I look like both of my parents, but if I didn’t, I’m pretty sure they still would have loved me and cared for me and helped me become the person I am.

I have no great conclusion, no pithy answer or quote to wrap this up.  Choosing to be a parent and how I choose to become a parent are very personal decisions and ones that I will not take lightly.

– the Goddess

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3 responses to “Goddess And Child

  1. rose pilotti says:

    You shouldn’t follow an option that you aren’t on board with so good on you for thinking long and hard on the path and journey to being a Mother.

    I just want to give you and your followers some info on sperm donors that I’ve heard from women who have gone that route.

    Depending where you go the donor is not always anonymous.My client got her sperm donation from the States with a file giving the name, age,health and genetic background of the donor with childhood and adult photos.His interests, career path and his studies were also in the file.He was open to being contacted by the child at age of maturity.Of course he has no legal or financial obligations towards the child.

    It’s not for everyone.It can be expensive,medically stressful (meds) and it doesn’t always work.

    I feel the same way about adoption for children as I do about animals.If you can give a loving home to an orphan that is waiting for a home it’s a generous and a win-win situation.

    You know I wish you happiness no matter what you do.I think you’ll make a really good Mom.

    Rose

  2. kristieleialoha says:

    My opinion on this is that there are orphans out there that would love a mother like you. A loving mother who would cherish and love them and give her all for their happiness. To help your conscious out, think about the orphans out there with no one. Absolutely no one to love them. All they want is someone to love them. Who knows, maybe you will give them a dad after you adopt them by meeting someone that wants to be with you and accepts and love your adopted child. You shouldn’t prevent yourself from motherhood and love because you don’t have a male figure to be the child’s dad in your life right now. You should find that orphan child and give it the love she/he needs that you can provide. That’s what I think.

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