The Goddess Weighs In

Living Large and Healthy

Hang On…He Didn’t Friend Zone Me!

on December 5, 2013

friendzone2

Years ago, after a lovely dinner with a friend and her husband my friend called me and told me that her husband was raving about me.  He said I was funny and a great conversationalist.  Without skipping a beat I replied “Aw go on, I bet he says that about all the fat girls”.  My friend was a little taken aback by my response, but let’s be clear, he didn’t even say I had a pretty face, the best thing he could say about me was that I could hold up my end of the conversation. He’s my friend’s husband so if he had started raving about my great beauty and sexual magnetism this also might have caused some disturbance, and as a feminist and a strong female with her self esteem intact I should be glad that he didn’t focus on my physical attributes, but as the fat girl who was always the best of friends with the cute boy who never called except to check homework answers all I could think was “Geez would it have killed him to say I was cute or had a pretty smile?”

Navigating  the dating world has shown me that the only guys who choose to date me are those who find the flesh appealing. This isn’t a harsh criticism, it’s just the way it is.   If someone prefers a particular type be it height, weight, hair colour or tattoos then that is what they prefer. And in fact there is a certain comfort in it.  If I am going to get naked with someone and I know that they really do like the flesh then I can relax a bit knowing that they are going to like what they see.  And I know not to be disappointed when the cute boy treats me like his little buddy and goes off into the sunset with the leggy blonde.  It’s a natural truth I’ve come to accept and I no longer feel bad if the cute boy looks past me, in fact I assume it’s going to happen.  I’m so used to being “Friend Zoned”, that I actually do it to myself.  If an attractive man starts chatting with me I naturally assume that he is looking to talk to my friends and I get out of the way immediately, ever conscious that I don’t want to cock block.  In fact I’m so good at getting out of the way and assuming that someone is uninterested that I often if not always miss the cues that someone is trying to get my attention.  I’m so sure that the average guy is not going to like me that I don’t register it when they do.  The only problem is that it turns out that I’m wrong.  It turns out that a lot of men don’t have a set type or that their “type” is actually more of a range.

Recently I met a guy for coffee.  It wasn’t a date, however we did meet on line.  He was looking for used clothing and I had a few pieces I thought he might like and so we met up at a local Starbucks.  We met, we chatted and an hour flew by.  I went back home and emailed a friend and raved about this guy.  My exact words…I wrote “I ADORE THIS MAN”, yes all in caps just like that and I told her that “I hope we are going to be friends, I just think he’s lovely”.  I had no plans beyond that, not even the secret kind that I only tell my cat about how it would be nice if he actually liked me and we fell in love and lived happily ever after.  It never once crossed my mind that this guy would give me a second look beyond the used clothing that he was trying to find.  And then later that evening he sent me a message telling me how great it was to meet me and he told me that I was really cute.  I’m clueless, but even I had an inkling that he was thinking that we could be more than friends, but I still polled a number of people, including my ex to make sure that when a guy says a girl is cute it means the same thing as when a girl says a guy is cute.  My ex assured me it did, and then he paused and asked me what exactly a girl means when she says a boy is cute.  I said she means he is good looking, she wants to sleep with him and have his babies. He said, yeah pretty much, except ya know without the baby having part.

Once the initial shock and delight passed that this guy I think is amazing actually might like me as more than a friend, then all my insecurities rose up full force. Truth be told, I have never dated someone who liked me just for me.  He did say he liked curvy women, but I am well beyond “curvy” and suddenly I found myself thinking that maybe he had made a mistake, maybe he didn’t really see me when we went out for coffee.  I mean he walked in and saw me across the restaurant, we talked for an hour, he hugged me when we parted, but as if black really is slimming I started to think that maybe he didn’t realize just how big I am, maybe he didn’t realize that under my skirt my thighs are dimpled, and he didn’t catch on that I am a SUPER sized big, beautiful woman.  I write this and it sounds ridiculous, but these are the things that have been going through my head.  We both have busy schedules and the holidays are approaching and so our first proper date wont be for a couple of weeks, but our conversations have reached a point that I no longer doubt that he does in fact “like” me, and I have been clear that I like him and it’s all good and yet I feel the urge to try to lose half my body weight in the next two weeks and I am fighting the urge to be overly honest about all of my shortcomings in hopes that he will reassure me that he does in fact like me.  Even I know that while a  little vulnerability is endearing, incessantly needing reassurance is off putting. The irony of course is that I’ve always wanted someone to just like me for me and now it’s quite possibly fallen into my lap in a serendipitous kind of way and I am perplexed.  I feel like the kid who wants a skateboard for Christmas more than anything else and then realizes that he’s terrified to hop on the thing.  I will go on our date, in fact I’m really excited to see him again, but between then and now there is going to need to be a lot of self talk to keep me from screwing up what I hope could be something really wonderful.  I would hate to be friend zoned for being too insecure.

– the Goddess

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5 responses to “Hang On…He Didn’t Friend Zone Me!

  1. LadyBigGurl says:

    You Are being pursued.He chose to take that step. Its hard not to let our head get I the way. I’m exited for you.I love possibilities!

  2. nancytex2013 says:

    Very excited for you! Try not to overthink it. Easier said than done, I know. If your instincts are right, and he IS a good guy, then take at face value the messages he is sending your way and just relax into it. Rooting for ya!

  3. Stop setting the whole thing up for failure before you even have your first date!! I do this type of thing too, and it’s terrible. Try to relax and enjoy it! 🙂

  4. Alex says:

    Oh Goddess! You killed me with this post! I felt like laughing and crying at the same time because it all sounded so familiar! From the cock blocking to trying to lose half my body in two weeks….been there, am there! I always struggle with me…stop I say and love yourself…then move your ass and exercise to lose a few pounds…then I insist that I must be loved as I am. Your story gives us all some insights and inspiration. I wish you best of luck on your date…all I can say is relax and enjoy it and if he don’t like those dimply legs…oh well…enjoy the moment! Oh! And keep us posted! Thanks for an awesome post, “friend” 🙂

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