The Goddess Weighs In

Living Large and Healthy

Too Busy For Love

My friend Fiona is my sounding board for all my foibles with men.  Every time I tell her of about someone odd who contacted me or a strange first date her first words to me are “That’s going in the book!”.  I’m not sure at this point if this book will ever be written, but certainly I give her fodder for her character development.  Sadly some of the people I’ve come across and even dated would likely seem unbelievable to most readers.  Case in point a recent date with a man who seemed kind, intelligent, maybe a little goofy in the humour department, but overall a good prospect. I suggested we meet for a coffee and when he suggested that he could just come to my house I reminded him that I needed to be safe because he could be a psycho killer.  I always have that conversation with men and I try to keep it light, but for reals people this is the internet, we’ve all read the horror stories, I’m not giving you my address until we’ve established that you’re safe.  We agreed to meet at a Starbucks nearby and I did suggest that we go for a drive since it was cold and we seemed to be hitting it off and I didn’t feel physically threatened by him.  I know Fiona is screaming “Stranger Danger” right now, but I felt safe and I had a cell phone.  We headed out in his car and he told me we were going to drive down to the lake.  In my mind I jokingly thought “hmm good place to dump my body” and no sooner had I thought it than he laughed and said the same.  We shared a giggle, it broke the ice and we drove on.  Unfortunately he was one of those people who doesn’t know when a joke is over and done and so for the next thirty minutes or so he pointed out wooded areas, abandoned lots, and creeks which would also be good spots to dispose of a body…After a few requests and finally a stern request he stopped with that particular flavour humour, but not before telling me that I’m too sensitive and need to relax.  The rest of the date was pleasant enough and I was delivered back to the Starbucks parking lot in one piece and so I agreed to a second date.  We would meet at my place the following weekend and he would bring lunch.  We texted a fair bit, making plans, becoming more familiar with each other and I asked for his surname.  He had mine since it was part of my email address.  He ignored my text and popped up a few hours later chit chatting about this and that.  In the course of the text conversation I asked him again and again he disappeared and a few hours later he called.  We bantered a bit and again I asked his surname, still trying to believe that he was just busy and had “missed” my previous text questions.  It was made clear to me that his surname was none of my concern.  This man who wanted to come to my house, who was already assuming that he would be invited to my bed, felt that his personal information was none of my business.  I objected, he retreated and finally he told me his name.  The damage however was already done.  I was uneasy that night, I was uneasy all the next day and the next morning I said I wanted to cancel our date.  He was shocked.  He was confused.  He demanded to know why so I told him.  He insisted that he had, in the end, told me his name, but as I pointed out it was only under pressure and it made me feel very uncomfortable.  And then it got really good.  He told me I was playing games, he told me that obviously I was seeing someone else, he told me that he now understood why I was single.  A couple of weeks later he asked if I wanted to try again.  I said that I didn’t think so since his last words to me had been so unkind.  He didn’t apologize or offer an excuse, he said “Fair enough.” and he was gone.  Ladies, if you’d like his number, I’m pretty sure he’s still single.

My next date fared much better.  As is seldom the case he was better looking than his profile picture, he was tall, dark and handsome, with Indian and Portuguese heritage.  Again we went to Starbucks, again we went for a drive, but he took me on a  tour of the not so distant countryside and we looked at scenic sites and golf courses and talked about our love of nature.  He was athletic, into golfing and hiking and camping and I joked that I hoped my enthusiasm would make up for my lack of physical prowess.  I daydreamed about him hiking up a craggy hill, long gliding strides taking him closer and closer to the sky, and me like a cross between a tortoise and a corgi puffing happily behind him.  We stopped in the parking lot of a little country store that was closed and he kissed me.  Long and slow and sweet, just the way a girl wants to be kissed.  We giggled and groped for a few minutes and all smiles we headed back making plans for our next meeting.  I floated home from Starbucks, flushed with anticipation and, dare I say, a little lust.  But, by three pm our relationship came to a crashing end.  He called to tell me that he missed me already and to see if we could meet any earlier the next day since he just couldn’t wait to cuddle with me.  I was pretty sure that was a euphemism and I felt it only fair to clarify that it would just be cuddling as I was um well being touched by the Goddess, so to speak.  The conversation went something like this:

HIM: Oh you’re getting your period?

ME: Yeah.

HIM: Ya know I’ve been thinking and this isn’t going to work out between us.  We’re not kids and we’re very different people.

ME: -Laughter-

HIM: -Silence-

ME: Oh.  I thought you were kidding.

What followed was a profusion of reasons for why we’d be better off not dating.  I finally cut him off and said that if this conversation was just going to be a laundry list of why I’m not right for him then I might as well just go.  We said our goodbyes and that was it.  I lay on my bed pondering what had just happened.  He changed his mind about me mid-sentence.  I wondered if perhaps he didn’t understand the female menstrual cycle, I mean it’s chronic, but not life threatening.  And then it dawned on me.  Mother Nature had screwed with his weekend.  He had no interest in dating me long term.  He wanted a dirty weekend with a chubby girl and then come Monday I would be on the curb with the recycling.  I can’t say it didn’t hurt, but it would have hurt more if I’d trusted him and been nekkid with him and then gotten the heave ho.

So now fast forward a few weeks and a new prospect is in the arena.  He’s a little younger, but not so much so that people will point and stare, he has a good job, he’s well educated, he has a couple of kids, he’s tall dark and handsome and says all the right things.  He was understanding and supportive during the two weeks my mom was in hospital this spring where every day was a blur of worrying about her and dividing my time between the hospital and looking after my elderly stepfather and trying to work full time.  I understand that time with his kids is sacred so he just isn’t available the three days of the week he has them.  And now two people who are very well suited for each other, who like each other, who want to spend time together are having trouble finding time for even a coffee together.  When people have careers and houses and commutes and appointments and most importantly dependents there is very little time left over for relationship building.  At this point it’s become comical, in a sad funny sort of way, that we can’t find a time to connect.  This guy isn’t for Fiona’s book, this guy is one of the good ones and we can’t connect.  We tried one night to get together after hospital visiting hours and I had to admit that I was just too tired.  My drive home had been scary because I realized I was just too tired to be on the road even with a healthy supply of caffeine.  I’ve kissed my toads, I’ve paid my dues, this is my guy and I’m damned if I’m going to let him go without a fight, but I’m starting to lose hope.  We’ve had a couple of near misses, but we can’t seem to follow through, each of us being pulled by family and work responsibilities.  I can see a future where we carve out time together by doing chores and grocery shopping together, where I schedule my appointments or my visits to my mom when he has his kids so we are free at the same time, I can even imagine creating a life with this person and we work together on all of the chores and child rearing and caring for parents….I just can’t seem to imagine a time where we can grab some coffee.

– the Goddess

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Dayum Girl!

It might surprise you to know that I have about one hundred partial posts drafted.  Sometimes I get distracted, sometimes I’m looking for the perfect quote or I’m trying to find a photo to add and sometimes I just feel that my writing isn’t up to snuff and I pause to find my voice.  I’ve been sorting through my draft folder and I’ve found some interesting posts that I will be working on in coming weeks.  For now there’s this:

pull off clothes

– the Goddess

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Cheeky

I had to have blood drawn yesterday and I’m just not a bleeder apparently.

After two failed attempts the tech brought in their ringer, a lovely woman named Evelyn who I believe could get blood from a stone.

As she poked and prodded me, trying to find a decent vein I asked if it was my weight or if I need to drink more water.  She was honest and said “Mostly it’s your weight, it makes it harder to find the veins.”

I said that I am down 30 pounds and that hopefully the next time I need to have blood work done I will be down even more.

She smiled kindly and asked “Oh how much did you weigh before?”

I smiled kindly and responded “Thirty pounds more than I do now.”

She paused for a second and looked at me and we shared a  smile.

– the Goddess

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Just Something Gorgeous To Watch

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Live Long And Prosper

Today we lost Leonard “Mr. Spock” Nimoy.

leonard_nimoy_spock_on_shoulder

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My fondest memories are watching Star Trek, the original series in reruns and the movies, with my father and brother. No matter how silly or how schlocky it could get Leonard Nimoy always seemed credible to me.  Of course there is life on other planets, of course they all appear humanoid, of course they all wear spandex jumpsuits and go go boots.  Of course.

I also knew that Leonard Nimoy was so much more than his pointy eared persona, he acted in other roles, he was a writer, a director, a poet and a photographer.  What I didn’t know was that in 2007 he published a series of photographs called The Full Body Project and if I didn’t already love Leonard Nimoy as I do, I would love him solely for this.  He asked plus size, size positive women to pose for him, to open up to his camera and they did so, so beautifully, so majestically, so wonderfully that I was simply in awe as I perused some of his photos this afternoon.

fat circle

The Matisse Circle, The Full Body Project, Leonard Nimoy

Leonard Nimoy was a Renaissance man and today I feel like I have lost a dear friend.

– the Goddess

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When The Moon Hits Your Eye Like A Big Pizza Pie. . .

Valentine’s Day is upon us.  For some it’s a day of fun and frivolity with the person they love and for some it’s a stark reminder that they are a singleton in a world that favours coupling.  Most years I’ve been single on Valentine’s.  I’ve talked before about how the people who love me were clear that no one would ever be romantically interested in a girl like me, so I just let the day go by and bought silly cards for friends or for my parents.  My father always sent me a Valentine, sometimes my mother does, and for a long time I just accepted that that was my fate.  You, however, do not have to accept this.  You do not have to be in a relationship to be a whole, beautiful, wonderful person, but you also do not have to live your life alone because people tell you that no one will love the fat girl.

A few months ago I got my heart broken.  Actually it was broken several times during our four year roller coaster of a relationship, but I was loved and I did love.  I am a fat girl and someone loved me.  The very fact that someone loved me and made love with me reinforced for me that indeed there are people who love women like me.  We need role models.  We need to see that, despite the opinions of many around us, we are lovable.

Today I found adipositivity.com.  There are hundreds of photos of fat people of various shapes and sizes in various poses and states of undress.  Depending on your workplace this may be NSFW, so please do be careful, but what I truly loved were the Valentine pictures.  These are pictures of of fat people and their lovers.  In reading the description of the Adipositivity Project the point is to show people of size and promote acceptance of all shapes and sizes.  Perhaps if more of us see that people who look like us have lovers and do love and are loved then they too will be open to finding love.  I often joke about being oblivious to flirting and romantic interest.  I’m not actually oblivious, I’ve just spent a lot of time ignoring these behaviours because I assumed people weren’t interested. Even now, several dates and a few boyfriends later, I can still be very insecure when meeting someone new and starting a new relationship. The same old insecurities rise up and I have to fight tooth and nail to push them back down. Pictures like the ones on adipositivity.com are not only for the education and enlightenment of the average person.  They are for the above average person, like myself, who needs to see herself and her beauty though a different lens.

– the Goddess

 

 

 

 

 

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Tess Holliday, My New Pin Up Girl

Today Tess Holliday (Tess Munster), a 5’5″ woman who wears a size 22, was signed to a major modelling firm.  She started the #EffYourBeautyStandard movement and now she is the largest woman signed to a firm. It would be nice if that distinction didn’t have to be made and we could all just acknowledge that this woman is drop dead gorgeous, but this is still impressive.

Take a look at my new Pin Up Girl:

tess 1

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tess 2

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tess 3

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tess 4

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tess 5

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– the Goddess

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I Am A Shark!

Shark

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Well that’s me then.

Rawr!

– the Goddess

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I Have Done The Unthinkable!

I bought a scale.

I haven’t owned a scale in nearly ten years.  Part of me didn’t want my self worth to be tied to the numbers I saw every time I stepped on and part of me just couldn’t bear to see the numbers period.  The problem, however, is that it’s the easiest way to keep track of my current efforts to get fit.  I  can rely on my clothes feeling looser and me feeling better, but sometimes before there is a noticeable change I’ve gained a few pounds and I want to keep a closer eye on things and the scale at the gym is out in the open.

I ordered the scale from Amazon and it arrived before Christmas, but it’s still in the box because despite what I just said seeing those numbers do intimidate me.  Today I found this and I think I will post it on the bathroom wall so I can read it while I weigh myself.

scale

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– the Goddess

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Parkour Is My Passion…Stop Laughing!

I had a dream last night.  I was running a 10K marathon (or whatever you call 10K run) and it was in a mall.  I think Square One.  You had to run routes in the mall and then stop at certain points and do a task or remember the password you’d been given or whatever and then you could run to the next station which might be back or forth or wherever.  I was leaping over flower pots, down stairs, over railings, zigging and zagging around mall displays and all the time I was just on fire. It was a mix of running, Parkour and trivia and I was awesome.  I had no idea I was such a great runner, I just flew.   I didn’t win or anything, but I was a proud fat girl and I could move like smoke.
I know it was a dream, but it didn’t feel like a dream, it felt portentous.
When I watched Casino Royale, the remake with Daniel Craig, I was mesmerized.

 

I immediately read up on Parkour, it’s origins and its philosophy, but I figured I had to be thin and wiry and all muscle and so I shelved that idea.  And then someone posted this on Facebook.  It was a blog post by a woman who is fat and does Parkour.  Now she’s not my size so I need to work a bit on my fitness and strength before I join a Parkour club, but I realized it’s not impossible with some hard work which I’m willing and able to do.  I’m working with a trainer to build muscle and tone, I’m working on my cardio with water running and elliptical and adding in some yoga would help with flexibility.  I’m up for it, I’m pumped, and soon I’ll be climbing tall buildings, or at least ya know taking the stairs two at a time.

– the Goddess

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